The Zen of Zombie
by E.V.A.Graebel
Summary: A selfhelp guide to being the undead. FINISHED.
1. A SHORT INTRODUCTION

**The Zen of Zombie**

By the author formerly known as E.V.A. Graebel

* * *

A SHORT INTRODUCTION

All paths lead to something. For Buddhists, it is Enlightenment. For Christians, Heaven. This short pamphlet is for the zombie who hasn't quite discovered where his path in life leads - besides all the chaos and destruction and brain crunching.

I will strive to provide you with a little guidance in how to embrace your condition and let it lead you towards being one with your nature.

This is not a how-to guide in trapping live meat, although the author believes that you may improve your hunting skills by accepting your undead status and making the most of them. For further guidance in how to avoid a bullet to the head please read "_Now, Duck!_" by the man formerly known as Jim Hall.

**Warning**:_ If your eyeballs have decayed to the point where reading is difficult, The Zen of Zombie will be released in Jan. 2008 in audiobook form._

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	2. ONE

**ONE**

How to find your center even in a rotting state.

Peace of mind is just as important to a zombie as any other creature. To help achieve a center it is important to discover your mantra. Examples of this include everything from "Namaste" in Hinduism as a reminder to accept the duality of the world to the "Praise Jesus!!" you'll hear at a Baptist revival. The key is to discover your own mantra that will help ground you in the moment.

There are three current schools of zombie thought, any of these are acceptable and may include variations.

**The moan **: for the old school zombie

It is liked for its simplicity and for the ability to nuance the moan with different emotions including; need, hunger, anger (see Big Daddy), and even curiousity. The moan is a versatile and easy mantra even for those lacking tongues.

**"Brains"** : an 80's trend

Direct and to the point. But requires the use of verbal ability and is difficult for those zombies that find themselves facially impaired.

**The scream** : yes, you know you're new school when you scream

Can include hissing, growling, and random other high pitched frightening sound effects. Not only useful for finding balance but also in striking fear into your prey's heart. Requires some agility behind the scream as a screaming zombie is not frightening if it can barely crawl on the ground after uttering the loathsome shriek.


	3. TWO

2.

**Feed your body – Feed your mind**

Oh, stop. Put down that hank of thigh and finish reading the chapter. It's short. Your meat won't spoil.

Unfortunately for the uninfected, zombies must eat. While our bodies don't need it. It is really central to our existence. How many zombies do you know that get up in the morning and pass on that particularly delectable 8 year old who lives next door?

My theory is that you should pay attention to what you eat. Moderation and careful planning will ensure that we keep an bountiful supply of lunch meat long past Day One of the Outbreak. For those who don't conserve, I predict a long patch of nothing but other zombies walking the planet – _and you know how we taste_.

Rule One for better eating: Put down the fatty.

As a vampire movie once told us, fatties "taste like fritos", which go great with French onion dip but leave your stomach feeling greasy for days. Save these guys for big tailgating days when you get together with a few thousand of your undead friends. They'll appreciate the size of the spread you gut for them.

Rule two for better eating: Don't gorge.

Since we don't actually digest the living, I'd like to remind you what options that leaves you with. Regurgitation. (Of course you've never seen it on screen, who wants to watch that stuff?) Putrefaction. (Which never smells bad until you take that shotgun blast to the stomach.) And defecation. (And let me remind you of how lumpy brains are coming out. _Ugh_.)

Rule three for better eating: Wait for the naked ones.

It's a rule that the pretty ones will always take their clothes off at the worst times. And I'll argue that nothing makes a meal more pleasing than beautiful presentation.


	4. THREE

3.

_Questions of morality_

I could bore you with fifteen hundred pages of philosophy and exposition debating the pros and cons of our actions as zombies versus men, but it all boils down to this.

Is it acceptable to eat cousin Susie? Your dog Skip? Or that hideous old woman who lives four doors down?

The answer is : **_Yes_**. Especially if they taste good.


	5. FOUR

4.

**How do I find the path?**

* * *

No, not the path to the mall. There are already a few thousand waiting there for the three locked up inside.

I mean the path to enlightenment. You've already taken the first step by purchasing this book, the next step is to find a teacher. The following qualifications will help you locate this individual.

* * *

1) **Ideally, a zombie who has found his zen, one who exists purely in the moment**.

- While he may not be a great conversationalist, the Buddha said that all words and thoughts were empty. So absorb the teaching in other ways.

- Watching works.

2) **Superficiality matters**.

- A healthy zombie, one with all his limbs, is usually more successful at this game after life. He is leading by example.

3) **He is the leader, you are the follower**.

-Make sure he walks in front of you. This is handy for absorbing bullets, and will teach you not to walk into ambushes unprepared.


	6. FIVE

5.

**Unexpected arrivals**

* * *

What do I do if George A Romero shows up?

**Rule 1**: Don't panic.

**Rule 2**: Worshipping is a viable option.

**Rule 3**: Tell him Day of the Dead was his best movie, why?

"_I'm running this monkey farm now, Frankenstein!!! And I wanna know what the fuck you're doing with my time?!"_

**Rule 4**: Bite him, but don't make it too gory. We've got to keep him around forever, and being undead is the best way.

* * *

_**Caveat!!!!!!!!**_ This book is intended for humor purposes only. Unless you are actually undead, violence against Mr. Romero is unacceptable.

* * *


	7. SIX

**6.**

**Alive or dead?**

The last and most important question. What are we?

You've ascended to zombie status if you meet the following requirements.

_...1._ You were infected with a contagious virus that is transmitted primarily through the bite of another individual.

_...2._ After being bitten your heart stopping beating at some point.

_...3._ After said point, you got back up.

_...4. _Your goal is now the consumption of flesh and therefore the transmission of zombie-hood to all that you encounter.

_...5._ You may or may not have higher brain functions – we weren't all equal in life either.

Alive? Or dead?

Which is it?

Buddhism ascribes to a middle path. Therefore, all of the conditions listed above are concrete phenomenon. They are a 1 or a 0, with no grey areas between them. But being a zombie is walking that grey area. We are the fuzzy logic of the universe, located in the middle ground and defying easy mathematical description.

Meditation will help bring you closer to understanding this concept. I recommend walking meditation for those still mobile. It serves the two-fold purpose of meditation and looking for someone to chew on. But for our mobility-impaired brethren, stationary meditation also works as good cover to remain motionless until some idiot doesn't realize you're laying right there in the shadows. Hey, double-tasking isn't just for the office.

The middle path is the easy one.

We are zombies. A state of being that is the ideal. Conversion of all mankind is not only our prerogative, but tasty and delicious at the same time.

I've set you on the path. But each zombie must find his own zen. Now if you'll excuse me. I'm going to finish off this fingerbone before it starts to rot. Everyone say it with me, "Mmmmm, marrow."

* * *

_Infection with madness inducing agents, however similar, is not being a zombie. This condition will be addressed in my next super-short pamphlet, "Crazy and on a Deadline", available March 2008. It will include how-to's on surviving the pecker melting DC2, the Rage, and random other military biological weapons that you might encounter._


End file.
